August 16, 2012

Here’s To Today

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:48 pm by kaylynlorraine

Today is the day in which a friend was born. Today is also the date of passing for someone I loved dearly. Today I celebrate with a hopeful heart; filled with joyful memories and bittersweet endings. 

I cannot tell you right now how I am feeling. It’s to early to tell. I think that today will come in waves. All I can really say is that I feel somewhat trapped in this stage of anticipatory grief, and I haven’t made my way out of that. I can’t seem to shake it. What I can tell you is that I am holding on. I am thankful for the people around me on this day, and for my family, and for my friends.

I feel loved. I feel hopeful. I feel supported. Those are great feelings. In turn, I also know that today and every other day, I am all of those things. I just don’t give myself enough credit and I definitely don’t give others enough credit for the love that they pour out to me. 

Here’s to the one that is celebrating their life today: I hope that your day is splendid. I really do. I do not want to take away from your happiness. I hope that you are blessed with many years of life, and that you continue to seek out who God has called you to be. 

To the one that is no longer here. I miss you dearly and I love you deeply. As E.E. Cummings says, “I carry your heart with me…” I can find no better words to describe my love for you. You are missed, not only by me, but those that don’t even know you. Stories are still told of you, and because of the stories, people come to know Christ in a different way. 

So here’s to today. A day of remembrance, pain, celebration, joy. Here’s to choosing love. Here’s to choosing hope and faith and joy when it’s difficult. Here’s to celebrating the one’s we love and the lives they were given and the time that they had on this side of heaven. Don’t give up on faith, hope, and love. Never give up. 

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October 26, 2011

who am i and where am i going?

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:18 am by kaylynlorraine

in this long search of love, i have found myself back at the feet of Jesus continually, and his love is what carries the weight, the depth. of who he is. of who i can be.

even in the wilderness i have found myself continuing to rely on the Lord rather than just wandering aimlessly. the desert is for a time of preparation rather than proving whether or not God is with you. He is. right there with you.

this change is not due to a powerful sermon, albeit some sermons have really knocked me off my feet because of the Holy Spirit speaking through those people. the change is due to my willingness to change my attitude about my life in the present sense. the change is my recognition of the desire to want to be someone that God is shaping me and molding me to be. we must not let fear determine our existence or how far along we will go in our walk with Christ. perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). God’s love is perfect.

this is the continuation of a great journey.

August 5, 2011

untitled.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:38 pm by kaylynlorraine

I’m a restless wanderer on a path that leads to God only knows.
With countless moments of tears, fears, dreams, and uncertainties
I press on towards the goal to Love because that’s all I know that which is also the same as Truth
And Truth sets us free.
And we are free to dream. Inspire. Create.
Free to move. Laugh. Worship.
As our hearts align more with what we were created for
May we never forget that we are worth so much more than the mistakes that we have made.
We laugh in the face of satan because he is not worth our tears. Or worry. Or Grief.

Guilt has no grip on me.
Shame can’t hold me captive.
I am so much more. There is so much more to live for than just the ordinary.
What I used to think of as “good” was nothing more than smoke in my lungs,
alcohol overflowing in the glass, sex whenever I wanted.
Those things were false desires.
I am so much more than an object to you.
I desire so much more than a one night stand.
To the things that used to hold me back, weigh me down, and keep me captive…
The devil weeps with you as the army of angels and saints hold me up and sing
Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord.
Brokenness can no longer define me.

And in this transformation of the heart, body, and soul I am reminded of Love.
And oh how He loves me,
Even though I have doubted and turned my back on Him,
He was still there. Waiting for me.
Crying for me and with me to trust him and to love him and to just be with him.
And so hear I stand with a heavy heart. Heavy because of the amount of love that He has for me.
Heavy because I am ready to pour out to those who do not yet know of the things that I have declared –
Or who have just forgotten.
It feels good to be alive.

July 15, 2011

awakening

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:39 pm by kaylynlorraine

We are not just skin and bones.
We are not lifeless creatures.
We are not robot people
With silly little mind games, tricks, and antics.
We are the living breathing Imago Dei.
Soak it in.
Feel the weight.
We are vagabonds on our way to Eden.
Back to the garden – where it all started.
To a place that we as children imagine as having golden streets and where you float on clouds.
There is something so much more.
Redemption is found there.
He is found there.
Breathing into our souls one breath at a time.
Breathe deep and pour out.
Pour out.
Pour out.
And repeat.
And when we do these things…
Let the taste of heaven come out of your mouth.
Speaking words of grace and truth and love.
Let the glimpse of heaven be seen with the tired eyes that look for the very first time – or for the second, third, or hundredth.
We are worthy.
So worthy.
So worthy. Can’t you see it? If not, own it. Walk with it in your shirt pocket closest to your heart.
Let the intangible sounds become tangible.
As we sing hallelujah with the angels and saints that have gone before us and stand with us.
They stand around us and suddenly, we are surrounded by multitudes of warriors.
And we are protected.
The gates of Hell will not stand.

April 20, 2011

Making Progress

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:38 pm by kaylynlorraine

Wake up.
Come out of the darkness.
Take off the veil over your eyes.
Why are we hiding?
What are we hiding from?
God is with us.
The light shines on us.
It is not the end.
Don’t give up.
Clench your fists.
Take a breath.
And go.
Fight.
Fight for Truth.
Fight for Love.
Fight because fighting for this is the only thing you know.
Fight because there is value in the cross.
Fight because God is worth fighting for.
You are worth fighting for.
God and his army of angels and saints are fighting with us.
Don’t give up.
Never give up.
When you feel like you can’t fight anymore
Keep fighting.
This life we live isn’t over.
There is more to the story than we can comprehend;
Even after all of the books or Bible verses about spirituality,
God, or his son Jesus who came to this earth.
Who came as flesh.
To love.
To serve.
To make a name for his father and the kingdom that is in heaven.
This is only the beginning.
Don’t give up.
Dear God have mercy on our weary souls.
On our wounded hearts.
On our awful words.
On our pride.
God. Have mercy.

April 19, 2011

War Paint and Battle Scars

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:55 am by kaylynlorraine

The story goes on. The search continues. What I used to think. say. feel. express. It’s all gone. I have been stripped of the lies that I have been holding onto. The lies that were once a part of my everyday thought. They are gone.

The only thing that is left is you. In the midst of my silence I find you. It’s not a question of where you have been hiding, but rather why haven’t I searched harder. In the midst of my silence, I realize that you are enough. I haven’t had enough in a very long time. I have been devouring more than I can handle – filling myself to the brim. I was overstuffed and sick.

In the midst of creativity, I find my head exploding with all of the thoughts that I want to write down quickly so that I might not forget the words that you are saying to me. I want to write them. live them. And so the process begins.

Forgive me for when I don’t have it all together. I know that you do. And you love me the same. Thank you for loving me the same. While holding a needle and thread in your hands – your strong yet gentle hands – you stitch my heart back together.

You are not far. You have never been far. In this collision of beauty and mess I have found you. Thank you God. Jesus. Holy Spirit.

Nothing is over. The search for who you are continues. It has only just begun. Once I think I have found you I am proven wrong in the most gentle way. The play is still being written. The lady singing opera is still singing. The pigs haven’t flown. Nothing is ever over. It’s just a new day. A new beginning. New discovery. New process. And I take it in. Slowly. And exhale your image the best that I know how.

Stories of your truth – your word coming to life – being made into flesh are still being told to generations old. And you have won this battle.

No, it is not over; it has only just begun. And as I stand and clench my fists and put war paint on my face, I vow to fight for you because you are worth it. He is worth it. I am worth it. This hope that we have is worth fighting for. The scars of the battle tell one of the greatest stories I know and that I have been a part of.

I hear you and I see you in the stories that I know. You cannot be ignored, or made into a fool. Redemption is at your side and Redemption is here. There is nothing more that I want, or at least I hope.

And as the story goes on and as the search continues, I know there will be days that I just want to give up. Wave the flag of surrender. Throw in the towel. I pray that in those moments I am reminded of the scars on the hands of your child, and of the scars of those that told your story of Redeeming Love.

God, you are truly good.

April 14, 2011

Global Prayer Gathering

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:23 am by kaylynlorraine

Processed Thoughts: Or Something Like It.

What did I learn at the Global Prayer Gathering?

I learned that the demand for Justice should extend beyond a countries geographical location. It should also be found in our own back yard as well.

I learned that Justice without Love is like a dead husk…Oh wait. That was from Dave Peter’s message at Chapel.

“Justice is the groundwork of NT Love” (Nicholas Wolterstroff)

I learned that we must confront justice with a great amount of love and patience.

I was reminded that we were created by God as creatures of worth. That is not a new thought or idea. We all have value.

With the last statement, I learned that in the context of justice and the community, individual’s won’t flourish unless the community isn’t flourishing.

“If there is no justice, the community will be unjust towards the people in the community and also outside of the community.” (Wolterstroff)

I know that an individual can in fact grow on their own, but we were not created for that. (Genesis)

I learned that Justice and Righteousness go hand in hand. Much like love and justice.

I learned a new term coined by Nicholas Wolterstroff himself: The Quartet of the Vulnerable. See Isaiah 1:17.

I learned that there isn’t a formula for doing justice, but rather that justice is just a way of life.

I learned that we should celebrate even the small victories. And be patient. Dear Lord I need help with that one.

I learned that I can recover from apathy. I just needed to press into Jesus.

I learned that “The daily lives of these people is unjust. If you struggle against injustice and for justice, you have to set a priority on the people’s whose daily lives is unjust.” (Wolterstroff) Meaning, those who are downtrodden and treated poorly.

I learned that justice for benevolence sake is dangerous. We must include the Gospel and evangelism. This goes back to a conversation that we had in d-group a while back. If we as instruments of God’s Word are doing our job, then those that are rescued will want the healing power that only Jesus can truly give. (Steve Porter, Wolterstroff, etc.)

I learned about the rise of social justice organizations in the past ten or so years. I learned that the fire that we have can fade if we aren’t careful. That’s a true testimony and one of the scariest things I have ever gone through – next to the loss of my mother.

I learned that we have different motivations for doing justice-work. Moral Outrage. Ego-enlargement. Spiritual Emptiness.

“Loving service to others is more or less the automatic response of a life that is being filled with the love of God.” (Steve Porter)

I learned that we can’t do the work of God apart from God. God called us to co-labor in the work that He is doing. (This is not a new thought, but rather an old reminder.) – See also John 15:5; 1 Thess 3:12

“We must understand relationship with God as a nourishing reality in our lives from which we were designed to draw strength to greater and greater degrees (Eph 3:14-19)” (Steve Porter)

I learned some one liners:

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint…”

“You are not running alone”

“You are responsible for what you see, for what you know, and for what you experience”

“It is no longer just their story, it is now our story.”

I learned that God can use us in amazing ways – again, not an old thought.

I stated that you can’t put a price-tag on a mission trip in which you will be made more aware of the surroundings of a specific country.

I learned that we should treat everyone with the same amount of justice that each person deserves.

I learned that planning a week of Justice takes a lot of praying, and it’s important to see what people are capable of – what their gifts are – rather than assigning them tasks even if they volunteer to help. I learned also that it takes a great amount of commitment to have a successful Justice Week and that it would take somewhat of a strategic planning meeting to come up with what a successful week could look like. I learned that a week of Justice could be a progression of awareness rather than a bunch of events slapped together that just raise money. Communication is key: with God, with team, with audience. Purpose is important too. We truly don’t know what other people are good at until we honestly ask them.

I learned that the audience might not know anything about human trafficking, or might know about it, but just don’t know what to do. We must reach all groups.

“IJM students need to remember that it’s not just about their campus, but rather to move out and build the bridge in the community.” (Wayne Barnard)

I learned about other groups and their creativity to raise awareness: UCIrvine – The Pawn Project. http://youtu.be/ccjtgFlkj-4

I watched a film that creativity portrayed human exploitation: The Candy Shop. It can be found at http://vimeo.com/20833462

I learned about great victories that took an immense amount of patience. (Cebu Rescue)

I learned about countries that I never thought existed before – Cebu; Manila.

I learned that it is truly important to pray for the work of Justice because God cares for it too.

I learned how important it is to talk to people sitting next to you, and to appreciate the people that God places next to you in a prayer room. (Networking in the name of Jesus for the sake of the Kingdom.)

That’s just an overview. And I think that might be all I will share, because that’s all I can really explain at the moment.

 

April 13, 2011

1 Chronicles 16

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:49 am by kaylynlorraine

I remember this passage and the day that I read it. I don’t advise people to flip through their Bible and select a verse, but I am also not saying that this is what happened. On Saturday during one of the prayer sessions – praying for Aftercare all across the globe – I found myself just wanting to sit down and pray for the countries. I had placed something in my Bible and then later on opened my Bible because I just wanted to read. 1 Chronicles 16 was the chapter, and verse 11 was circled. I read what was before that, and then read what was after that.

I found myself amazed at what was said in that chapter. You should read it sometime.

I still can’t really gather my thoughts about this weekend. It was just that incredible. 🙂

April 7, 2011

Malachi 3:5

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:18 am by kaylynlorraine

“So I will come to put you on trial. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive the foreigners among you of justice, but do not fear me,” says the LORD Almighty.” (Malachi 3:5)

Today is the day that I have been so uncertain about for at least a few weeks now. To be completely honest, part of me wants to go to GPG in D.C. so that I can be on fire again for the things that the Lord cares about and the other part of me wants to be there so God can use my weak heart and prayers to intercede for those who would get brutally beaten or raped for crying out for help. and mercy. and justice. God help us all.

Either way I feel like I am being selfish, yet I know that the Lord will amaze me and bring me to tears – tears of joy and tears of sorrow; tears of hope and tears of change happening; tears of the bells of justice being won. Kingdom fighters, prepare for battle. Pray with me that we will be moved to words and may those words rise like smoke of a blazing fire  into a clear night sky. Pray that we will stand against the injustice and rise to action. Rise to your feet people of the Lord! Cry out to Him! He will hear us. Don’t forget the power and strength of the Lord our God.

I know that my selfishness is only another excuse and that it will be removed. What I get out of this weekend is only up to how much I want to get out of it AND how much I want to put into it.

Grace and Peace to you.

March 15, 2011

journal

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:20 pm by kaylynlorraine

my insides are begging to be let out. kicking and screaming at the wall of skin. dying to live. it’s ironic isn’t it? when someone feels so much they can’t help but want to kick and scream like no one is watching, and they might actually do it. they might actually kick and scream.

i feel so incomplete. with my thoughts. my thoughts feel like fragments. because i know that they are. i know i am not incomplete. i am whole. i am made whole. made new. stitched together “with needle and thread” as ryan o’neal says. stitched by God because he loves me. oh how he loves me. oh how he loves.

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