October 26, 2008

vomiting words

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:43 am by kaylynlorraine

i am awaiting the latest secrets. i am seriously addicted. addicted to find out what is going on in people’s lives. call me nosy. i dont know them. im not alone. i know you have your addictions. let me have mine.

im not going to lie. i felt sick and uneasy when i saw pictures of him and her together. i hate him for not telling me. i hate him for saying that he was being selfish. i feel sick. he wants me to face his mother. i dont intend on doing so. i wouldnt know what to say in the first place. “im the girl whose mother died.” i dont know why i keep bringing him up. maybe its just because i truly dont want to let go. i deleted him from my friends. i cant spy on him. i dont want the mini feed to tell me about him. he knows how to get ahold of me. if he wants to he will find a way to reach me. i even deleted her. there is nothing wrong with her but its the same thing. the mini feed will somehow ruin my day and i dont want that. i dont want my day to be ruined by something i cant control. i deleted them. they know how to reach me.

the new secrets still are not up yet. i dont want to wait anymore. i have to get up early anyways. i will check them in the morning when i get up after my shower. i will enjoy a cup of coffee (fair trade and organic. best of both worlds) and learn secrets of strangers. i will learn new things. things i have never thought about. things i have thought about. more and more i have secrets hidden. hidden from myself. they are finding their way out of me. it’s bittersweet.

i want to feel less alone. i want to feel alive.

October 22, 2008

imperfect love

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:44 am by kaylynlorraine

“…I have learned that most of the time, all you have is the moment and the imperfect love of people.” -Anne Lamott

I love this quote for many reasons. I found it while reading Traveling Mercies. I am not done with the book, but it is still showing me a lot. It is showing me that we are all human. Imperfect in many ways, including love. It is showing me that sometimes we take moments for granted, thinking we will have so much more when in reality no one knows for sure.

It makes me think of last spring break. We were gathered outside after he told us that he thought he was finished with his project we asked him to do for us. He wrote the word rescue about 50 times, hope and love he wrote about 20. we asked him to also draw hearts; he said he wasn’t very good. in that moment, something crept out from my mouth – love is imperfect. where did that come from. would i normally say that. who knows. all i know is that the moment we were caught up in with strangers we had just met that week somehow ceased in all of the clamor. calm swept through the porch and we stood around him in amazement thinking that we were looking at the mona lisa.

we were to get tattoo’s of these words, and some hearts if we so chose. jamie was a blessing for doing this for us. previously in the night we sat down with him to talk about why we wanted this to be on our bodies for the whole world to see.

there is something to the word rescue that means so much. it all started with one of the to write love shirts. seeing a word in a different language showed me that there is a world outside of my own. there are people all around me, including myself that are needing to be rescued from their day to day lives. we are trying to be our own hero when the real hero has already rescued us. God rescues us from our lives we live even though sin waits for us to open the door of our hearts and let it in. He sent his son to save our lives. he is the rescuer of the weak.

praise be to God.

October 21, 2008

what are you waiting for?

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:26 am by kaylynlorraine

i saw this on postsecret’s myspace because i am a serious junkie. reading other people’s secrets allows me to realize that i am not alone.

a deflowering of sorts

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:37 am by kaylynlorraine

i decided to board this train because, well im not sure really. because maybe it will help me discover why i love to write again. something i haven’t done in a while. write my own stuff. i always thought of it as therapy. someone may read it, someone may not. life goes on either way. i have learned a lot in my 20 years of living. most of which i dont remember because either i was too young to remember them, or just too ignorant to what was going on around me. regardless, i sit here today with nothing to offer except for myself. this is who i am. i want you to come along in the story of my life. i want to be a part of your story. we are a part of His story. we were created to be story tellers. to go out and do things to glorify Him. it took me so long to figure that out.

i have always loved writing, ever since i was a kid because i was able to just escape where i was and make things up. people. places. everything. i love stories, true stories, and imaginary stories. i love to read about people, and learn about them. the places they go. the things they have been through in life. maybe we can relate. maybe i can learn from them in what they have gone through (good and bad). maybe i can see the bigger picture that way. who knows.

i am a girl that keeps a pen in the book that she is reading – you never know when you may want to write something down – for words that inspire me, words that i can relate to, or just words that i can reflect on. i find it funny that i do that, but i don’t care. that is just who i am. i have notebooks with words of people that have come and gone in my life. people that inspire me. quotes that keep me going. verses that keep me thinking. i have notebooks of my own thoughts. thoughts because i was at the lowest point, and thoughts because i was so excited i had no one to tell. thoughts because i was afraid no one would listen, or that i was just alone in what i thought.

that’s why i write so much down.

“this is me. no secrets, no lies.” – amy warshaw