May 19, 2009

if this is what it takes…here goes.

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:57 am by kaylynlorraine

i want to be brave. for so long i have wanted to take the easy way out. im over that. i dont want to be safe anymore. i hate safety. sure there are pros. but there too are cons. where is the independence of the self? you lose it in the midst of security, comfort.

now hear me out. im not going to go all christopher mccandless on you. i love the guy, i do, but that just isnt my style.

i hate having so much sometimes. it makes me sick. im not judging anyone who has nice things. i do too. im just trying to figure out what purpose these “things” serve (for myself, and no one else.)

im going to ukraine soon. sunday. im excited. God showed me faceless international, and now im a part of something bigger than myself. now i want to be an advocate. now i want to take steps in my life, to learn more, to rescue. more. more people. to show hope. to show love. i want to be the hands and feet of christ.

“who we are, and were meant to be is evidenced more by our yearnings than by our history.” (gary haugen – ijm founder)

i found this quote to be many things for me tonight. i finally got around to finishing just courage, a book that he wrote a while back. it had many inspirational quotes, verses, and stories. redemption, struggle, fears; all placed neatly in a hardback book.

this quote caught my attention because i have screwed up so many times in my past. I HAVE SCREWED UP A LOT! i can tell story after story, but that’s not what this is about. who i am meant to be is not shown by my history, but what i yearn for.

i yearn for change. for justice to be served. for the weak and the lost and the lonely and the brokenhearted to find a way home. to know that they are loved and are valued and mean more than words can ever express.

i yearn for an understanding of God’s will for my life. for him to reveal his plan to me everyday and open my eyes to a deeper understanding of his words. for my heart to be broken like his has been before and still is.

those things, among others is what i yearn for. regardless of my past – which has made me who i am today – i can sit here and say that i want to be brave.

i will be brave.

i have many heroes. one of them, my mom. she had the faith that i want to have. she showed the love that i want to show. she felt the compassion of others that i want to feel. she saw pain at its finest and still carried on. she never asked for anything. she loved, and was loved in return.

she was brave. she makes me want to be brave.

it is moments like the ones we shared, the times were we thought we would never make it through to see another day, that make me so excited. i just want to live. i just want to love. i just want to LIVE LOVE.

please

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:23 am by kaylynlorraine

please stop being who you’re not. i love you the way you are.  perfect even in your imperfections.

please don’t try too hard. don’t even try. just be yourself. everything will fall into place.

please don’t give up. never give up. ever.

May 13, 2009

breathe

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:41 am by kaylynlorraine

i can breathe again.

i am no longer walking on broken glass.

i said what i needed to say.                         what a relief.

honest conversation that needed to happen; did.

everything is falling into place. it’s the start of something amazing.            i can feel it. i can FEEL.

im still here. im breathing. im alive. thank God im alive.

 

thank GOD

silence

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:10 am by kaylynlorraine

where have you been?

here all along – i know this.                               thank you for being here.

thank you for being HERE. everywhere. all around me.

beside me. in front of me. behind me. you are here with me.

thank you.  

i sit in silence and paitently wait for your arrival.

but you are here.

i stand in a crowd and listen to the faint sounds that bounce off of the walls.

but you are here.

i shuffle my feet in the busy streets, cars driving by, and people yelling.

you are here.

you never left.

you are not silent.

you are NOT.

Silent.

but still.

you are still.                         i hope to be still.

“I will be still and know that you are God.”

May 9, 2009

am i wrong???

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:31 am by kaylynlorraine

or does it just piss you off when people talk about selling other people. “prostituting women” as she would call it.

calling themselves pimps.                                                 it makes me sick. my heart breaks. i want to scream. i want to hit them.

my heart breaks. splits. divides.                        separates.

maybe i was supposed to hear it. just maybe it would restore something in me. in my soul.

have i become complacent to the pain?                                             has it become an everyday thing?

i didnt think so. 

i got so angry.                            i wanted to cry. if only they knew how much i wanted to cry.

but i couldnt. it would have been bad. i would have been angry. i would have been yelling.

i dont like yelling. but i wanted to cry. i didnt have the right words to say. it wasnt the right time.

i should have stuck up for all of the girls. for those that were forced into doing something they didnt want to do.

the lies they were told.                          it’s not fair. it’s not right. it’s sick. it makes me sick.

i want to fight for them.

i will fight for them. they are my sisters. and my brothers. they are not alone. they are not.