June 10, 2010

still the same.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:17 am by kaylynlorraine

we had our dress rehearsal tonight. i think it went well, although there were things in my parts that i need to work on. i was anxious about sharing my testimony. when i volunteered to share my story, i thought it was going to be easy. or different. or something. i didn’t think it would be so difficult. i know my story is amazing, and that God was gracious to me, but sometimes i don’t think people understand what i am trying to say when i say that it is tiring, and emotionally draining. i wonder why i volunteered at times. why i said “hey, i would love to be the one to share my testimony…”

there were great responses to the entire program tonight. people laughed and i truly think that we were able to get some people in the audience thinking. when it was time for me to share my testimony, i thought i was going to faint, or at least puke. there were people who knew my story already, and then there were strangers – at least in my life. when sharing my thoughts with a dear brother in Christ, he said that he was grateful for the fact that he was in my life and able to share my life with him. it was when we spoke of someone close to him that passed away not too long ago that i realized pain is pain, and God is the same. God is still loving the same. God is still calling us all the same.

God is using my story to bring hope. to shed light. to stand and say that i am broken, but God makes me whole. i know i have said that a lot lately, or at least have thought it, but it’s so true. God is using all of us, no matter what our background is. God reigns over all, and He will never change.

grace and peace.

June 9, 2010

the pursuit of you

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:08 am by kaylynlorraine

new life has been given a set of skits to perform for the high school and middle school weeks of camp. the theme for the skits is “the pursuit of you”. although it has been hard getting the concept of the theme, it finally clicked as we performed for becca, jake, rachel, and crystal. okay they basically told us why the theme was the “pursuit of you”, and what this meant.

there are five skits in all, and one of them is a set of monologues. without getting too far into what each skit means, i will break it down in a (hopefully) simple way:

skit one: intimacy by numbers – a couple that doesn’t really know how to act around each other even though they have been dating for seven years. they would rather be in a group setting than be alone together. skit two: the pool – a person goes to the pool (a small blue pool filled with styrofoam peanuts that are supposed to be God) and sees different people go to the pool. each person treats God differently, but God is always the same. this person questions what it means to have faith, but ends up taking a leap into the pool with no questions asked of her. skit three: dr. sinless – people are being treated for their sins, but nothing is really working. they need freedom from sin, not a treatment from a doctor. we see that they run back to what entrapped them in the first place. the health inspector tells them of this faith in Christ that they need and they are curious to hear more. skit four: through the roof – a skit in a skit. four people reenacting the story of Jesus healing the paralyzed man (John 5). the four people then put themselves in the story. acting as the paralytics friend, trying any means possible to get their friend to Jesus so that Jesus can heal him. desperation is the theme in this story. and skit five – actually three monologues. three people telling stories of why their lives aren’t that great. one story: a girl doesn’t like her mom. she wants to be out of the house. she thinks her family is dysfunctional. another story: a boy’s brother overdoses and passes out from using drugs. the boy is upset because he was supposed to stop the boy. he was supposed to step in. even when he did, the brother didn’t care. he kept using. the third story: a girls father abuses her when she was younger. she feels like she will never be the same, or that anyone will ever love her. she feels broken, and she feels like she will never be able to be put back together – even after what the counselor has told her.

then, there is my testimony. it is supposed to tie in the program – supposed to show how God pursued me even when i was broken, and when i turned away from the Lord. Becca told me today that even when i was turning away, God still called me. He was still pursuing me. He was just waiting for me to turn. He was there the whole time. even though i have had a hard life, my story still isn’t like any other story. and that is the beauty. there are so many people on this planet. so many people that God is continuously calling daily to walk with Him. to pursue Him like He is pursuing us. i don’t know what to tell the students. i have been telling my story for the past four years. different parts of it of course because i went through a lot at different times. and yet God was still there. in my brokenness and lonliness and despair. He was with me. every time i tell my story, i react differently. i remember the hard times, but see the redemption. i remember the choices i made, but i see the grace and forgiveness. i remember the loss, but i see the love that was gained. it took a long time to walk in complete assuredness that i didn’t have it all together, and that i was okay with that, but knowing that God was pursuing me kept me on my strides.

i don’t know who i will meet this summer. but i know that their past is just as important as mine is – even if they feel like their story is insignificant. may we never forget the Redeemer who saves us from this world. He is so AWESOME!

i have been inspired by my teams stories. and by their continuous pursuit of the Lord. i thank God for them. honestly. the road will be long and tiring, but i know that they have my back.

June 8, 2010

i wanna be ready

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:53 am by kaylynlorraine

for whatever God wants me to do in my life. but i also want to know what He wants. it would make my life so much easier. but i think He is showing me that daily. what he wants is us to love him, and to love his creation. to love people without agendas. just love people because they are alive and they are walking with Him even when they don’t know Him. and that’s where i come in. i am a believer of God. i hold Him so close to my heart. do my words portray that? do my actions?

God forgive me because a lot of times, they do not.

i guess this is the part where i tell you that i am still trying to hold myself together after my trip to cambodia (i promise, i will share some entries with you from my trip eventually), and for the most part, i am doing okay. other times, i am remembering things that i didn’t really pay a whole lot of attention to at the time, but God wanted me to remember. every day is different. i can honestly say, that i will never be the same. i imagined the girls at the camps that i would be going to be at to come up to me and just want to hold my hand. but for some reason, i don’t know if that will actually happen. it’s not that kind of culture. but i know that some of the girls will need the same love. same chance at life. the same hope. maybe offering my hands or shoulders to them would freak them out. but, maybe it’s what they need.

my mind is jumbled. and i just wanna be ready for what the Lord shows me. i am praying. for something.

June 5, 2010

patience. grace. faith. and learn how to breathe.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:06 am by kaylynlorraine

i am continually learning more and more about myself daily. i am learning that i need a lot of patience and that i need to have a lot of patience in my life. when things don’t go my way, i can’t help it. i want everything to be right. a lot of good things are coming my way. i don’t exactly know what. but i will wait in eager expectation and revelation. 🙂

i have seen a lot of stupid things, put myself in a lot of stupid situations, but by the grace of God, have been freed from those things. sometimes, it is easy to revert back to what isn’t right. a sin is a sin, “and i am still in this world,” i say to myself. but i am not of this world. i need to have grace on other people. i don’t know what they have been through. i don’t know what they have seen. i know that grace covers us. grace is poured out to me, so i should share that grace with other people.

sometimes it takes doubt to believe. maybe not just in faith in God, but faith in yourself as well. sometimes it takes you failing to learn how to work something out in the right way. if we only knew what we were capable of. if we really only knew. i’m not saying that it has to take doubt. i just think sometimes when we have the crisis of faith, or the crisis of self, we need to know where to turn.

and, we must not forget to breathe. take it all in. and then exhale. and repeat.

we shared our testimonies today. we ran through our entire program with the skits that we have been practicing and after i ran through my testimony, kayla decided that the rest of the team should share theirs if they wanted to. no testimony was – or is – the same. no testimony is too difficult or too simple. we gave praise to God for the fact that we were there in that moment together, exposing ourself – our shame and our struggles – and then sharing in the strides that we were taking on the path towards our Creator. it was a pretty great moment for me that week.

a few friends and i went to chick-fil-a for dinner. i was challenged by a friend and a question he asked pertaining to next year. he asked us to give him ideas. we went off of those and brainstormed some good ideas to really challenge the school to move the ministry that we were working on outside of the college campus that we are on for a majority of the year. i think all can agree when we say that Jesus did not challenge us to stay on campus and people will come to us, but that we must go to them. we must go to the places that are tough, and show people Christ. we must go to the places that we are even so familiar with, and show people that we care.

there is more to this, but i will let my mind be refueled.

June 2, 2010

never give up

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:18 am by kaylynlorraine

i have learned a lot about myself in the past couple of days. on sunday, the new life team traveled to lake aurora where we would spend the night and do team building exercises the next day. we enjoyed the company of our teammates as well as becca and jake, who would guide us through our next couple of weeks of preparation. we shared what we were excited about – personally, and as a group, and we also heard how the group perceives us. i prayed for strength and steadfastness in our group as well as unity. there is strength in numbers. strength in the pursuit of holiness brings forth unity in the body of Christ.

on monday, we did a low ropes course and also a rock wall. i was stretched pretty thin that day, but i learned a lot of valuable lessons about how to work as a team – even when we all have extremely different personalities. when we were doing the low ropes course, i wanted to throw in the towel. my body couldn’t handle anymore. i thought at one point i was going to pass out. but i kept pushing myself because i didn’t want to look weak to the rest of my team, and also because i didn’t want to let myself down. we all pushed through – even though it took us two extra times to do the obstacle again. we wanted to learn to work together as a team, and to be efficient. i was – and still am – really proud of all of us for not being defeated by something that looked difficult.

i like to set huge obstacles on my own so that i am not able to accomplish anything. i found it really easy to just want to give up on the rock wall because my body isn’t strong enough. my mind played huge games on me – i told myself i was weak and that i would have never been able to accomplish the wall. i got angry at myself. i trusted that my team could hold me up. that wasn’t the issue at all. the issue was whether or not i believed that i could actually climb the wall. i got down, but i wasn’t going to give up. i wanted to try another side. an easier side. when i made it to the top of the wall, i was elated. i had never done anything like that in my life. it felt good. it also felt good that my team believed in me. it felt good that they cheered me on.

today was the day that we learned about other people’s personalities in the context of what we would be doing this summer. i thought it was helpful to learn not only about myself, but also about my teammates so that i would know how to react and/or talk to them about certain situations. we have a good blend of personalities. we ran through a few of the skits that we would be doing, and we also set the scenes for where and how we would be standing. for me, there is a lot of work to be done in that area, but i will get there.

i am praying for patience and protection for my heart. i want to do things well, and i want to do them right so that i don’t have to go back and correct them when we are so close to the end of our weeks of training. i don’t want to let my team or becca and jake down. i want to make them proud. i want to prove to myself that i can do things if my heart is in it, and if i put my mind to it. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (phil. 4:13) i was chosen to represent florida christian college. i was chosen to mentor kids – to love them as brothers and sisters in Christ. and i look forward to doing all of those things, and sharing them with the people that God chose for me to travel with this summer.