December 31, 2010

a confession

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:36 pm by kaylynlorraine

while on the plane ride over from jacksonville to indiana, i found myself word vomiting all over a notebook in which i had not planned to word vomit. i love when this happens because my mental and spiritual digestion tracks are once again able to work in the way that they should. i don’t write out or speak out the way that i feel most of the time because too much of the time i am over-consumed in my life, making sure i have just what i need to look out for myself. i am not honest most of the time because too much of the time i am scared that i will be wrong or looked at like i am an idiot. this is just for me. a promise of honesty. a promise of stepping out in faith.

i honestly want to seek you, but i can’t seem to look past myself. my needs. desires. wants. my instantaneous satisfaction – that of which i don’t even really know. you haven’t been a part of that, and you are all of those things to me. you are. i promise. i can’t keep promises. i’m not good at it. i’m willing to try. the root that can’t seem to get pulled from my flesh – pride. my cravings are part you and part world and i can’t make it out. i want the weeds to be gone. i want to be planted in your love. i want to grow in your love. i can’t grow when i feel like [i know] i’m being suffocated.

i am already growing in your love, but i can’t seem to find my way out of the mess i am in. i’m enthralled with the mess. blinded by the mess. all it takes is one time to push the mess out of the way until i am able to see you again. it’s taking a lot longer than i thought to move the mess. part of me doesn’t want to. i have become completely unsatisfied with my relationships. not all of them. just some. all i need is you. that’s the truth. the honest truth. you are the only thing that satisfies. everything else weighs me down; hurts my flesh although in the moment it’s so good.

even after i have realized that i’m in the wilderness i do whatever i can to get out before i fully understand why i am there in the first place. the wilderness is not all that bad. it’s a time of trial and faith and trusting you. i don’t want to take my words back ¬†and i don’t think you are telling me to take my words back. i think you are telling me that you want me to recognize you as more than i have made you out to be – this superhero God that swoops down when i need you the most. i crave relationship and you crave my love so why haven’t i been looking at it like this?

i need you. want you. long for you.

i am yours. you are mine. forever.

and ever. and ever.

(and you reply all the same).

i want to recognize you every day. even when it’s not a clear picture of you i want to see you. i want to find you in the people that i call my friends, and even in the stranger i meet. i want to proclaim that you love us, but i have to be a part of you. i feel detached. the sewing kit is out and i am ready to be patched up. i know the truth, but i want to live in the truth. God my sins entangle me.

i’m sorry for not recognizing your love. grace. mercy. compassion. justice. SON. my story is continually being written. i want you to be a part of it. i want people to know the reason that i am here.

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December 28, 2010

monday mind dump.

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:31 am by kaylynlorraine

i am anticipating great things in the 2011 year.

i hope i’m at least a little right on that one.

when great things do come, i hope i remember to thank God.

when hard things happen, i hope i remember to look to God.

when everything is as it should be, i hope to remember to continue to pursue God.

i need to do better in school. seeing as how i’m not done with my online class yet.

i love the people in my life.

i honestly wish i still had certain people in my life. not having eric or my mom in my life is really killing me. one of them has passed away a while ago. the other i am still praying for a revival in his heart and in his life.

i want to be known and to know. i already am, and i already do, so what else am i really searching for.

answer: love, relationship, feeling wanted.

response to the answer: i am loved, i have great relationships, and i am wanted. yes by the Lord. He desires all of me, and all i can give Him [still] is my leftovers.

i am considering going back to counseling. it’s good for the soul. and mind. and heart. and spirit.

i still don’t know what i want to be when i grow up.

i am terrified of a lot of things, but try to work through those things that terrify me so that i will not be terrified.

i need to write more. even if i don’t have an audience. it’s good for the soul. and mind. and heart. and spirit…[re]

i have a lot of books to read and a lot of music to listen to.

fear cripples me in many ways.

i want to overcome my demons.

i believe in faith, hope, and love.

this is turing into something more than just a mind dump.