March 6, 2011

the place i once knew

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:48 pm by kaylynlorraine

and when i return the faces will no longer be a memory. and when i return i will be home. and when i return the voices will no longer be like it is in a film. distant from me. distant from what i once knew. you are what i once knew. you are what i used to hold on to. with my hands white because i would not let go. i didn’t want to let go. i couldn’t let go. i couldn’t walk away from what i knew. i guess i just wanted to hold on forever. and ever. and ever. nothing lasts forever. and maybe that’s the beauty of it all. because one day. one day in the distant future we would find each other again. we would join each other again. if that day never comes, i know that there will be another day. some other gathering that will come to be.

people in the distant place i call home, you are in my heart. words go unsaid only because i can’t speak the language. love goes beyond words. know that i love you. and i love the place i once knew. i can’t wait to be with you.

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February 15, 2011

a genesis of sorts.

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:14 am by kaylynlorraine

i don’t know how to describe last night. right now i can’t. maybe i never will. or maybe one day i will get around to it. all i can say is, the Holy Spirit moved in that room. the Holy Spirit is still permeating in my heart and in my soul and in my mind.

there was so much joy. so much freedom. i walked in anxious about everything, and left with immense joy. collectively the hearts gathered among one another and danced in this dance with God. i felt inspired. finally a break through. i felt like i could begin to let go. yes, again. i let go all of the time. once everything is out of my hands, i somehow find a way to manage whatever it is back into my fingertips because i don’t like the feeling of having cold, dead feeling hands. i don’t like the empty feeling. i like being filled. i like having something to hold on to.

why must everything i hold on to be something that i can literally try to hold on to?

sometimes when i want to give up, something inside of me screams to be let out. maybe it’s my heart longing for the answers to my questions, and life’s questions, and the world’s questions of “why?” and “for what purpose?”

as my lungs fill with new breath, a birth of a vision comes to my mind. not a new vision, but a reminder of what once was. what filters out as a black and white film becomes color – becomes new dreams of today and tomorrow.

and the answer: because He is God. because He has called us to be with Him. to join in the dance of God that has been going on longer than i truly understand. He wants me to join Him. co-labor with Him. He wants me to follow.                  And I follow.

December 31, 2010

a confession

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:36 pm by kaylynlorraine

while on the plane ride over from jacksonville to indiana, i found myself word vomiting all over a notebook in which i had not planned to word vomit. i love when this happens because my mental and spiritual digestion tracks are once again able to work in the way that they should. i don’t write out or speak out the way that i feel most of the time because too much of the time i am over-consumed in my life, making sure i have just what i need to look out for myself. i am not honest most of the time because too much of the time i am scared that i will be wrong or looked at like i am an idiot. this is just for me. a promise of honesty. a promise of stepping out in faith.

i honestly want to seek you, but i can’t seem to look past myself. my needs. desires. wants. my instantaneous satisfaction – that of which i don’t even really know. you haven’t been a part of that, and you are all of those things to me. you are. i promise. i can’t keep promises. i’m not good at it. i’m willing to try. the root that can’t seem to get pulled from my flesh – pride. my cravings are part you and part world and i can’t make it out. i want the weeds to be gone. i want to be planted in your love. i want to grow in your love. i can’t grow when i feel like [i know] i’m being suffocated.

i am already growing in your love, but i can’t seem to find my way out of the mess i am in. i’m enthralled with the mess. blinded by the mess. all it takes is one time to push the mess out of the way until i am able to see you again. it’s taking a lot longer than i thought to move the mess. part of me doesn’t want to. i have become completely unsatisfied with my relationships. not all of them. just some. all i need is you. that’s the truth. the honest truth. you are the only thing that satisfies. everything else weighs me down; hurts my flesh although in the moment it’s so good.

even after i have realized that i’m in the wilderness i do whatever i can to get out before i fully understand why i am there in the first place. the wilderness is not all that bad. it’s a time of trial and faith and trusting you. i don’t want to take my words back  and i don’t think you are telling me to take my words back. i think you are telling me that you want me to recognize you as more than i have made you out to be – this superhero God that swoops down when i need you the most. i crave relationship and you crave my love so why haven’t i been looking at it like this?

i need you. want you. long for you.

i am yours. you are mine. forever.

and ever. and ever.

(and you reply all the same).

i want to recognize you every day. even when it’s not a clear picture of you i want to see you. i want to find you in the people that i call my friends, and even in the stranger i meet. i want to proclaim that you love us, but i have to be a part of you. i feel detached. the sewing kit is out and i am ready to be patched up. i know the truth, but i want to live in the truth. God my sins entangle me.

i’m sorry for not recognizing your love. grace. mercy. compassion. justice. SON. my story is continually being written. i want you to be a part of it. i want people to know the reason that i am here.

December 28, 2010

monday mind dump.

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:31 am by kaylynlorraine

i am anticipating great things in the 2011 year.

i hope i’m at least a little right on that one.

when great things do come, i hope i remember to thank God.

when hard things happen, i hope i remember to look to God.

when everything is as it should be, i hope to remember to continue to pursue God.

i need to do better in school. seeing as how i’m not done with my online class yet.

i love the people in my life.

i honestly wish i still had certain people in my life. not having eric or my mom in my life is really killing me. one of them has passed away a while ago. the other i am still praying for a revival in his heart and in his life.

i want to be known and to know. i already am, and i already do, so what else am i really searching for.

answer: love, relationship, feeling wanted.

response to the answer: i am loved, i have great relationships, and i am wanted. yes by the Lord. He desires all of me, and all i can give Him [still] is my leftovers.

i am considering going back to counseling. it’s good for the soul. and mind. and heart. and spirit.

i still don’t know what i want to be when i grow up.

i am terrified of a lot of things, but try to work through those things that terrify me so that i will not be terrified.

i need to write more. even if i don’t have an audience. it’s good for the soul. and mind. and heart. and spirit…[re]

i have a lot of books to read and a lot of music to listen to.

fear cripples me in many ways.

i want to overcome my demons.

i believe in faith, hope, and love.

this is turing into something more than just a mind dump.

 

 

 

November 10, 2010

the man with the razor in his pocket

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:49 am by kaylynlorraine

i saw him one night at status. it was around 8:15 or so. approximating times has never really been my thing, but if i were to say what time in the night it was, i would say 8:15 or so. i saw him as i was getting coffee. when i went to get some cream and sugar i exchanged a kind glance at him and asked him how he was doing.

he said he was fine. smiled. and asked me how i was doing. i could smell the alcohol that once permeated his breath. i told him that i was good and asked him what his name was. he said Dave. he looked as if he was in his 50’s or 60’s. just as good as i am estimating times, i am just as good estimating the age of a person. i asked Dave if he had been to status before and he said that he had been a couple of times. i had never seen this kind man before but i was intrigued with his story and how he came to status and appreciated the community that is found there. i smiled and told him that i knew what he meant. it took me a long time to feel that way. i had come to the understanding that it took me to step out in faith and form relationships with strangers. that’s one of my least favorite things honestly. and now, here i was standing with a stranger. a man that is nothing like me. not just because he is a man, but because his story is different than mine. his path to the point that he is in relationship with God is different than mine, but we are both in relationship with the same God. so there is something we have in common. if nothing else, we both have a relationship with our Father. we are related.

i noticed that he didn’t have a wedding ring on, but he mentioned that he had a daughter. or maybe he said niece. maybe he had been divorced or his wife had passed away. he didn’t say that he didn’t have a family, although i wouldn’t generally consider that something that is talked about the first time you talk to a complete stranger. i noticed a few things in his shirt pocket. a pencil – maybe for notes from the evening, or to write down his thoughts. or maybe to create something artistic.

i also noticed a razor for shaving. just sitting in his pocket. it was no big deal to him, but clearly visible to those around him. he didn’t seem to mind. maybe it is an everyday thing. maybe no one noticed. maybe i was the only one caught off guard. or maybe i am the only one without a razor in my shirt-pocket now.  we continue chatting for a few minutes more after that, and then we hope that we meet again someday soon. he says goodbye to me with a hopeful demeanor. holding on to the assuredness of one day meeting again, exchanging stories. picking up where we left off. like old friends who had known each other for years.

i have thought about Dave ever since the night we met. what seems like ages ago was really only a few weeks. his face sticks out in my mind. the kind, gentle spirit that he had lingering as he glances at me before he leaves just so he can say goodbye – searching there in that moment that i would notice and wave back and smile. as i looked into the crowd of people that were gathering to go into the main worship room, i notice Dave. standing there clear as day. waving; saying goodbye to me. i haven’t seen him since. maybe i haven’t been looking hard enough.

it’s amazing what can happen in a matter of ten minutes. a conversation of strangers that formed into a friendship. maybe i will start going to status early, to sit and wait in expectation. to see how my friend Dave is doing. it was good for a change talking to someone that i had never met. going out of my comfort zone to comfort a man that i may or may not ever see again. God puts people in your life for a reason. to remind you that you are not alone. that you were never meant to be alone. i found myself more comforted in that moment than he will ever seem to know or understand. i thank God for moments like that.

November 1, 2010

His feast; my greed. His grace; my comfort.

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:45 am by kaylynlorraine

You prepare a table before me, and I devour the provisions you have given me. My cup overflows with not your love, but the love of mine own. I sit at a table with faces I cannot recall. Except the one that glances in the mirror looking back at me. I am not Yours, and oh how I long to be that which is kept safe. How I long to feel the love thick in my bones again. The cold chilling feeling of your Spirit before me, running through me. How I long for the unfathomable love; unknowing to my own eyes and yet I still see you. . It is so much easier to feel the warm heat of the devils breath.

Damn the Devil and his crafty tricks. He always knows when I am the weakest. No matter how much I want him in my life he still lures me in with his false promises of being filled. You are the only one that satisfies. No more tricks. I’m tired of living life the way I do. I am his no longer. His ugliness is no longer captivating. But You – You catch my attention. You meet me where I am, Lift me up, And allow me to see me. Who I really am. Who I was created to be. I am Yours.

October 21, 2010

mid-week mind dump

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:43 am by kaylynlorraine

1. it’s wednesday. i’m going home in 2 days. anticipating tears. and i don’t care what anyone says.

2. honest God driven conversations can really happen. and i am thankful for many of those.

3. a friend of mine talked about a church plant tonight. it really got me thinking about the future.

4. i don’t know what i am doing with my life, and yet i am going to continue to walk in the Lord because i know that He knows best.

5. i am truly in love with the Lord. like we’re talking head over heels. BUT, i need to work on living like it.

6. i love my roommates although i don’t show it on a daily basis. when an elephant is in the room, things get kinda tense.

7. i am right where i need to be. i keep reminding myself that.

8. i love florida christian college.

9. i miss the christian campus fellowship fsu chapter (or group). they are always an encouragement.

10. i want to bring the campus to life but i can’t do it alone. it has been great getting to know the new students in various ways.

thankfuls:

(again) honest conversations, constant fellowship with the body of Christ, i-time, being in communion with the Lord, gifted but not conceited musicians worshipping together, being led by the Spirit, and the overwhelming feeling of grace that the Lord shows to us.

wherever you are, grace and peace be with you always.

October 16, 2010

my head and my heart are meeting

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:42 am by kaylynlorraine

…and for the first time in a long time, they are joining together in peace and unity.

i have experienced some lows this week. my heart was heavy (it usually is daily…and that can be good). i was super apathetic towards life, and just being around people, although i did my best not to let that show through my actions and words. my heart was changed after a conversation with a friend that i almost thought wasn’t going to happen, but i truly thank God that it did because the truth that he shared with me spoke volumes and allowed me to get off of the ground and walk (or get off my mat and walk :)). now all he did was tell me that he appreciated our friendship that we have – which is a small one mind you, but through the power and convictions of the Spirit, we come together in a bond of Christ.

i had to be honest with him. i don’t know why. so i was. and he just said things to me that impacted me for the rest of the week. back story: this friend is a part of ccf at fsu. i met him over the summer at a camp that i was at. he was only there for a night, but just being who we are called to be, we established a friendship through the love that we both have for the Lord. he allowed me to speak what was on my mind and in my heart, and through that just let me see things the way that he saw them. one thing he told me was that “God loves you right where you are but He loves you too much to let you stay there,” which he passed along through his pastor that he heard it from.

he also told me that spiritual warfare and perseverance are two very real things, which is something that i heard a couple weeks back at Status (www.whatsyourstatus.com). i love it when the words of people from different geographic locations align. it shows me how God is so much bigger than i sometimes give Him credit for. it also shows that we are seeking out the same truths in our daily lives, and that He is calling us to be a different people.

i am blessed, and i know it, but sometimes i don’t live like it and talk like it. i have been redeemed and i am thankful, but sometimes i don’t show it and share in that redemption with other people around me. i am loved, but sometimes i don’t love others or love the Lord the same as He loves me. i don’t know why i do the things i do, or give into the things i do. i don’t know why i try to excuse everything under the sun and say that i can’t change – that no matter how hard i try, i can never be set apart. i know i can. i just don’t give myself enough credit for loving God as much as i know how. i don’t give God the glory when i live for Him. i just congratulate myself on making it out of this world that we live in when that temptation hits the hardest, or when i get through the day “doing a good job.” i know i am better than this. so why am i settling? i told myself over and over, and also told my friend josh that it was just easier to be the person that i am not.

since when have i let myself live that lie? since when have i let myself believe things that i know aren’t true. since when do i allow satan in my life? NO! this victory will not be his. the battle has already been won! praise God!

one last thing that Josh told me was that God has to work in me before he can work through me. such truth. such a simple reminder. we must turn our hearts towards God. He is equipping us for a great work – bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to earth. i know that although the battle has already been won, there will be difficulties along the way. BUT i also know that God provides a way out. always.

Scriptures that are on my heart recently: James 1:2-4, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 78.

October 6, 2010

Waiting, patience, changes, and understandings.

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:30 pm by kaylynlorraine

I find it crazy that it’s really over. I mean finished completely. No matter how much I am okay, I will always miss him. I know that the Lord didn’t close the doors on this friendship, but I truly believe that God is telling me that it is going to be okay. He is always good about telling us that.

Although things didn’t work out between Eric and I, I hope that he looks to the Lord and considers himself blessed and important. I know that the Lord is preparing him for something huge. All Eric can do is wait and look. It’s a difficult thing to do at times, but when we wait, we must not get frustrated.

I always think of Habakkuk 1:5 (“Look at the nations and watch—and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.) when I think of waiting. I know that there are so many Scriptures that mention waiting, but this one has always been a favorite of mine. I think that what the verse is saying is not to anticipate what is going to come, but just watch – have the expectations that something is going to come; that the Lord will present Himself. Just look and be amazed.

We try to rationalize everything, and sometimes expect for God to work only on our time and not His. We want what we want when we want. That’s not how God works. So what is the whole point of waiting then? For me, waiting is a time of preparation. A time to draw closer to the Lord. It’s not even about me and how I am going to be a blessing to the Lord, but rather how I can bless the Lord in my everyday life while I am waiting for the big picture of my life to come together. If I think about it though, every day is like that. The big picture is how am I going to love the Lord, and serve Him, and love His people also.”

How do I know that I am not where I am supposed to be? Have you ever thought about that? What if God wants me in the place that I am in right now to do his work? How often do I think that people need love and to show that they matter on my own college campus? How often do I look to the females around me, and show them that I care about them?

I need to work on some things in my life. And I will not wait on those things because I can change those myself. I will wait on the Lord because I know that He will do amazing things.

October 2, 2010

breathing easy

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:49 am by kaylynlorraine

my heart and mind have been all over the place for the past two weeks. that’s kind of gross, i understand. luckily, it’s just a metaphor. i don’t know why i felt this way for as long as i did. i thought my world was caving in on me, and i was being suffocated.

really, what it came down to was realizing the place that i was at in my life; realizing what i had done for this past summer; realizing that i need some guidance in my life, because at times, i don’t have it all together.

we (florida christian college AND status) have been working through what it means to live as part of the kingdom on earth. i find it amazing that we are working through this – more so than just at school, but at status as well. i think that the Lord is showing us so much, and we are beginning to see that living here actually DOES have a purpose. one night we talked about healing, and how we are sometimes scared of the Lord healing our hearts and minds because of our past. thats when the doors to my heart flew open.

i want to keep this short, but i wanted to say that this hard pressing feeling that i have felt for the past two weeks has been made light. here is the reason (i think) for this…

i miss my mom everyday. it hasn’t ever been easy without her here, but i know that she is with the Lord. recently while talking to another friend that lost her mom as well, i found out that she was going through the same feelings. we didn’t really know why we missed our mom’s so much. not realizing that she and i are getting closer and closer to completing a huge milestone called college, and then our next step is uncertain. i haven’t talked to my friend about this, but for me at least, the feeling are due to just that. it has been four years without my mother. those years have gone by so fast. and now that i have a year and a half left of school, i need some motherly advice/guidance/support/love. i don’t really have anyone to turn to for those things. i have my friends and family, but i really want a mother’s love. i really want my mother’s love.

i have a lot more to say now that i think about it. but i don’t want to word vomit, and i definitely don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for me. there is a great story to all of this. the Lord is faithful, just as He said that He would be. i know that He will put people in my life, and allow relationships to grow closer together no matter the distance that separates us. i know that i have been truly blessed with friendships – some of which are honestly no longer existing. i know that the Lord is going to use me in some crazy way to bring other people to know Him more. i know that i have to constantly take up my cross and live for Him everyday. i know that satan is always waiting for us to look to him or fall for his crap that he always likes to pull. i know that satan is ugly, and dark. i know that all we gotta do is look to the Lord and be faithful to Him. i know that God is jealous for our attention. i know that God wants us to look to him daily, and His heart breaks when we don’t. i know that God won. i know that Jesus died and resurrected. i know that one day i will be with my mom again, rejoicing, and worshipping the Lord.

while i am here on earth, may i live in Christ alone. being covered in the dust of our Teacher. and may you also come to grips with what the Lord is showing you. and may you also know that you are not alone. and may you know that God has an amazing plan for you. God is moving all around, doing amazing things in the Kissimmee/Orlando area. i know that the Kingdom is growing by servants in Tallahassee, and all over Florida, and the US, and all over the globe.

well, i think that just inspired another blog. 🙂

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